Campus

How to be a Young Laborite

George Brown looks at the requirements to be a Member of Young Labor

Greetings prospective comrade!

So, you think you might be interested in joining the ranks of the glorious Young Labor regiment? It is completely understandable to be worried that you won’t fit in with the rest of the closet communists crowd. Well, here’s a handy guide to ensure you can successfully navigate the intricacies of the Labor Party and thus hopefully avoid consignment to Lenin’s “dustbin of history”.

DISCLAIMER: If you study economics, have any understanding about economics or even have the most basic of knowledge regarding the definition of the word ‘economics’, you are automatically ineligible for membership in the Australian Labor Party.

General tips

Try not to think about the hypocrisy of being a latte-sipping elitist who simultaneously supports equality of outcome for all, achieved through some crap like a Rawlsian wealth redistribution scheme. It will only make you want to become a hippie…or worse, make you consider joining Socialist Alternative.

Vernacular

This demonstrates to potential political allies that you are well read and, unlike many among the party elite, are able to relate to the common man (often lamented as causing the rise of the so-called “Howard battlers”). Some examples of possible material might include such gems as:

  • ‘…detailed programmatic specificity…’
  • ‘…political shitstorm…’
  • ‘Fair shake of the sauce bottle mate’
  • ‘Someone get me a f*cking hairdryer!’ (for greatest effectiveness, use while inspecting troops on        deployment in Afghanistan)
  • ‘There will be no carbon tax under a government I lead…’

On second thoughts, perhaps better not use that last one…

Another important point concerns ‘the other guys’. At all times, they should be referred to as ‘Tories’ – ‘fascists’  is also acceptable in certain situations, depending on the     policy being advocated by those Thatcherite-wannabes.

Social Etiquette/Personal Safety Advice

Diplomatic gatherings, while very important in practical terms, can turn out to have rather striking consequences if the hype and publicity surrounding them is handled incorrectly. For example, instead of a world leaders’ summit on climate change, perhaps just say that you are going to Denmark on holidays f or a week or two.

  • Be careful to never lapse into politically incorrect language. Un-PC language is right up there with   nuclear waste for the degree of care you must take with it, especially with gender-related comments; you never know when there might be a female fugitive from the kitchens prowling around just waiting to fly off the handle at the most innocent of chauvinistic comments.

Conversation Topics

  • Topics to favour:
    • Ending the White Australia Policy.
    • Gough Whitlam
    • Having the first female Prime Minister
    • ‘Treasurer of the Year’ awards
    • Bob Hawke
    • Kevin Rudd circa 2007
    • Former Leaders who’ve remained graciously in the party
    • Midnight Oil
  • Topics to avoid:
    • Starting the White Australia Policy
    • Sir John Kerr
    • Julia Gillard
    • Returning the budget to surplus
    • Paul Keating
    • Kevin Rudd circa 2010
    • Mark Latham
    • Peter Garrett

 

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