Mitchell Goff on the qualifications for being a Young Liberal
So you’re interested in becoming a Young Lib and want to make sure you fit in? Being the wholesome soul I am with only your interests at heart, I thought I’d go about collating a delightful little guide for your wanking pleasure.
- If you are British, well done. You’ve won the birth lottery and are already more appealing to your fellow compatriots. If, however, your accent has sharpened with that Australian twang after having spent excessive periods of time in the colony, it is of paramount importance that you re-hone your accent in the most dulcet and delightful of manners.
- If you are just a generally bad person and were not born in the Motherland, fear not, you can still put on an accent. After all, you were born barbaric but that’s not to say you can’t have style.
- It is of great importance that you pretend to know something about whine wine. Being an astute observer of a bottle’s vintage/finish/complementarities is delightfully important in fitting in. Simply mentioning that the wine you are currently drinking is either white/red is unlikely to garner you any favour with your brothers.
- If asked what your favourite colour is, say blue. If asked what your favourite colour really is, say freedom. If your opponent is delightfully intelligent and unrelenting and won’t accept ‘freedom’ as a colour, tell them to move to Iraq. If they happen to mention that this is a non sequitur say ‘a three way tie: red, white and blue’.
- In an argument with a Communist, use rhetoric. In an argument with a cashier, use rhetoric. In an argument with a microwave, use rhetoric. In an argument with a dry wall, use rhetoric.
- Ensure that, if one is not wearing one’s sweater, that it is jauntily tied around one’s neck so as to not spoil one’s hair.
- In an argument with a desk lamp, use rhetoric.
- It is of supreme importance that you ensure your haircut comes with a complimentary alcoholic beverage and its cost amounts to no less than the average per month compound interest rate on the value of your current assets in your Cayman Islands account.
- Be seen. If you can’t because you’re so petty… be heard. Using rhetoric is useful in being heard.
- It is very important to know the names of at least 4-5 classical music pieces. Anything composed by a Russian is unacceptable, particularly during the revolutionary period. Look for your fascists like Mahler or Bach. You don’t need to know the pieces or even genuinely enjoy them. Just know the names. Don’t be afraid to mix them up occasionally, though don’t overextend yourself. Your brethren might be stupid but they’re not stupid, they might know when you’re putting it on. You wouldn’t want to come across fake.
- Never miss an opportunity to mention how connected you feel to the middle class but for God’s sake don’t mingle with them. And certainly don’t extend to them an invitation to the Western Australian Club.
- Change your profile picture to The Queen, the Australian Flag, fleur-de-lis, Union Jack, Abrams Tank, phallically enjoined symbols, John Howard, Margaret Thatcher or a combination of all or any of the above.
- The political and religious views section on your Facebook profile is very important. You’re going to want to make this as confused as possible: ‘conservative libertarian’, ‘very conservative’, ‘liberal conservatarian’, ‘conliberal liberservertarian’ or ‘gobjob wankservatarian’ are all acceptable political views.
- ‘God – the white one, not the brown one’ is the only acceptable religious view. The only acceptable atheists are those who follow Ayn Rand, but even the committed atheists must believe in God.
- Ensure you have a word document with the following words/phrases saved for quick and witty reference: pink, halls, school, boats, stop, toxic, batts, the, carbon, great-big, mining, homosexual, socialist, tax. Impress all your high school friends and engage in circle-jerk.